Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Every. Damn. Time.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’m giving up for Lent.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Introverted vegans go meetless
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?