If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Effort made
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides