holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.