i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Never forget.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.