Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
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Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
who wore it better?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
*has no idea what a book even is*
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”