My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
You Might Also Like
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.