you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
You Might Also Like
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.