If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
You Might Also Like
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
We’ve all been there…
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant