friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.