In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
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“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Ferrari squats
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
This story is comedy gold 😂
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate