Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
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Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
God has left this place
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs