we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
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dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Autocorrect completely socks
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte