Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.