DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
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Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…