learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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british sex workers really pound for pound
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
When can I start eating bats again.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?