When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins