What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.