On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.