Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
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[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
just witnessed a drug deal
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU