58.
You Might Also Like
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
shampoo implies shampee