Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Schrödinger’s cookie
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.