My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
You Might Also Like
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
sensitive skin
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.