*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
so weird how every mom was born today
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Noah
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.