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Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
That de-escalated quickly
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy