2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
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So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate