That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Golf would be better with landmines.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*