Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops