When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY