A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
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new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Traveler’s camo
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.