Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
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Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”