My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
The dark side of Canada
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.