Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
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“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I ate everything, including the H.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille