Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
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you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I hope it’s French Onion!
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants