Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired