Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
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You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse