My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
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Ron is short for Aaronald
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I want this so bad
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Bootstraps
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog