Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.