HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome