During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
new year update: losing everything but weight
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now