a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
scared to check what name she chose
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.