“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous