My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
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Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Make your daily standup meeting shorter