The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!