The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone