Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
felt that
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Pandas 🐼🖤
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.