*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run