[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Shoo shoo! 😂
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?