I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks