me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
You Might Also Like
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.