I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
You Might Also Like
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit